Episode 45: The Six F Words That Can Save Your Marriage with TIME Editor Belinda Luscombe
Live Date: February 8, 2021
Show Description: There is much to say about getting married, but what about the art of staying married? We’re joined today by TIME Magazine Editor and author of “Marriageology,” Belinda Luscombe. With years of wisdom and extensive research, Belinda shares the six F words that will completely change your marriage. Everything from how to fight fair to making your finances work for you to and debunking sex myths. Belinda also leaves you with practical tips on different small practices you can incorporate in your marriage that make a big impact.
This episode will teach you:
- The art of making your marriage last
- The 6 F’s that can make or break your relationship
- How to fight fair within your marriage
- Practical tips on how to improve your marriage
The Big 3 – Episode Takeaways:
- Belinda walks through the 6 F words within a marriage that represent the different sections of her book:
- Familiarity – This is when the new marriage smell has worn off and the qualities you initially enjoyed about your partner begin to frustrate you. It’s important to recognize that this is completely normal and to find ways to embrace your partner for who they truly are
- Fighting – The way you fight is very important, and says a lot about the status of your relationships. Belinda wants you to look at the problem as the problem, and not your partner.
- Family – The topic of In-laws and parenting are two of the most challenging conversations within a marriage, but learning to have honest and respectful discussions early on is the key to building a loving family.
- Finances – We’ve all heard how much damage finances can cause on a marriage. Belinda walks us through the 3 types of finance couples and emphasizes how important it is to figure out what method works best for you, releasing the pre-conceived notions around this.
- Fooling Around – Depending on how you were raised, you’re taught to believe certain things about sex that then transfer over into your marriage. Belinda shares insight on the importance of changing your perspective on sex, appreciating it for its beauty, and that the most healthy relationships consist of an active sex life.
- Finding Help – It’s often true that people tend to seek help when their marriage has already gone bad. Belinda encourages seeking help from an objective source, whether that be a therapist or even a church group. This can introduce and develop healthy habits within your marriage that can help save you from issues in the long run.
- Belinda walks us through small daily practices that can improve your marriage in any state it’s in:
- Thanking your partner is an easy hack that works wonders
- Try and do something new together, like ordering food you’ve never had, taking an online class together or even walking to a different neighborhood
- Don’t discount the classic date night. Find time for just you and your partner to do something together without discussing finances or children.
- Celebrating a triumph
- Asking for a favor that highlights and acknowledges your partner’s skill or expertise in a particular area.
- Sex has been such a taboo topic over the years for many. Belinda wishes to free you from the beliefs you may have about sex and find the difference in the perception and reality of sex based on what you were taught. Additionally, Belinda makes note of how the emotional state of your relationship plays into the physical act of sex.
Thoughts worth sharing:
- “If you actively look around for the things that your spouse is doing, and then you thank them for those things, it reminds you of how your life has been improved by this person. But it also helps that person to feel appreciated because when someone becomes familiar to you is when you stopped sort of adoring them, and that can be like a bit of a downer for them.” – Belinda Luscombe 15:38
- “But the important thing is that when you are fighting with somebody, try to remember that, that is somebody you love and that the problem is the problem. Your spouse is not the problem. So let’s try and stick to the details of the problem. – Belinda Luscombe 22:19
- “ I think people think that marriage should be this very natural thing that, you know, you should just slide into. And if you don’t make it work, then that’s a huge problem, that’s a shame, that’s a blot on your copy. But somehow they feel guilty when they make their marriage work. Which to me is just the wrong approach. Marriage is hard. You are living with one person the whole time. You are trying to meld yourself to that person. This is a high wire act and you should be seeking all the help that you can get. There is no shame in that. – Belinda Luscombe 56:06
- “One of the ways that I think it’s really interesting to look at marriage is “can you be kinder?” Can you be the kinder of person in the marriage? Like if you’re going to be competitive, if you’re going to say I’ve done all these things and you haven’t done anything, can we use that competitive spirit and try and find a way to be the kinder person in the marriage?” – Belinda Luscombe 1:07:22
- “And I wonder if we could consider our spouses in that way, where we get to know them really well, and we get to learn them and we get better at them. I sometimes say, I’m very good at Jeremy. That’s my spouse’s name. You become good at learning what your spouse is like and what your spouse likes. And so that you get very good at being their spouse. Like it’s a skill, and sometimes, you know, I think if we think about marriage in that way, then we feel much more accomplished when we make our spouse happy. It feels happier. So it’s a win-win.” – Belinda Luscombe 1:08:46
- “I hope people will come out of these times we’re facing with a resolution to not put aside the things they’ve been putting aside. If their marriage was having a problem, then they’re like, okay, now this has to be dealt with. We can’t just keep dancing around this and ignoring it.” – Belinda Luscombe 1:13:00
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